Our New DADA Teacher
by Neko-chan -Silvered Tongue
Summary: What happens when Hogwarts finally gets a new DADA teacher that actually knows what they're doing? One that NO ONE is expecting? Spoof-ish and parody-ish and sarcastic (Draco: She means STUPID.) humor abounds.


Our New DADA Teacher

"Our New Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher"

By: Neko-chan

  
  


A/N: What happens when Neko-chan gets in a sarcastic mood? Why, this fic of course! Eh...more spoof-ish, sarcastic, and parody-ish than anything else. ...but hopefully you'll still find it funny, ne? *sparkly starry eyes* LOL. Anyway, enjoy.

DISCLAIMER: Neko-chan does not own Harry Potter. If she did, she would be a very, very, very rich authoress indeed. Will that every happen? Pfffft. No way.

  
  


It all started out normal enough. I mean, we were sitting down for the Welcome Back feast. My friends sat on either side of me--with me, as always. Down the way, Ron's brothers and sister were arguing. I guess the twins wanted Ginny to eat her vegetables and she didn't want to. (Never mind the fact that they were ignoring their _own_ vegetables.) Now that I think about it, Ginny still reminds me of that little girl that I had met in my very first year of Hogwarts. So young and still so very, very naive.

She's still so much like a child.

A lot of people think that we're eventually going to 'hook up.' (As Ron said, quoting a line from an American movie I had taken him to see. Surprisingly, he was very impressed with the movies. He told me that it was just like the wizard pictures...except that the movie screen couldn't talk back and interact with you. Hermione, however, liked the movie. ...at least someone did.) Anyway, to get back on track... I don't like Ginny in that way. He's the kid sister of one of my best friends. I can never _see_ her as anything but that.

Oh! The food has just appeared! (Did I just daydream throughout all of Dumbledore's welcome back speech? Didn't matter, anyway. He said the same thing every single year. Nothing new. Well, almost always nothing new.)

"So, who's going to be our new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher this year?" I ask Ron and Hermione around a mouthful of Yorkshire pudding. (It needed a tad bit more of flavoring. But, over all, it was good.)

Ron quickly gulped down his pumpkin juice and bit into a slab of roast beef. (When was the last time he had eaten? He acted as if it had been years--but he had certainly pigged out on my Chocolate Frogs on the train. Oh, well. Heh heh heh... Never mind, anyway. He just winced and reached down to rub his ankle. It looks as if Hermione noticed his bad manners and decided to kick him under the table.)

Ron scowled and continued to rub his ankle. "Dunno, Harry," he answered me. "Dumbledore just smiled and winked and told us that we would find out tomorrow. That it would be a 'grand surprise for all!' I think he has something up his sleeve."

Hermione smiled down at him and 'borrowed' some of his Yorkshire pudding when he wasn't looking. (Eh. I would say something, but he DID take it all, after all. And I had wanted more of it, too! Oh, well. I want him to answer my question more than I want the pudding.) "Dumbledore _always_ has something planned for us," she said, biting into the pudding.

Ron finally noticed this and his scowl deepened. 

(I would normally feel sorry for him, but this is funny. Poor Ron. And yet...I can't help but feel sorry for Hermione as well. Is it possible to feel sorry for _both_ of my best friends when I feel sorry because of the other? Wait a minute...did that even make sense? Eh. Doesn't matter, anyway.)

It was Ron's turn to sneak some food from Hermione's plate. Luckily, she didn't notice or Ron would be rubbing his OTHER ankle. I'm still hungry, though. I wonder if Ron would notice if I snuck some food from his own plate? I wait a little bit, then strike when he's distracted, arguing with Hermione...yet again.

Ow.

Bugger it, he saw. Now my ankle is just one constant throb. It hurts a lot, but I don't want him to see that he hurt me. I DO have some pride, after all. (Hey, are you laughing at me right now? Come on, it has to have happened you at least ONE time in your lifetime. No? Ha! I know you're lying! And if you could see me, I'd stick my tongue out at you. So there.)

"When are we finally going to meet this new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher?" I mutter, partly to myself, partly to my two friends, trying my hardest to resist the urge to rub my ankle. But it hurts so much, though! (Must...be strong... Will NOT rub my ankle in front of them! Ha! I'm show Ron that his kicks don't hurt! ...but it DID hurt, though...)

Hermione stopped in mid-yell and looked at me as if I was a dunce. (Well, compared to her EVERYONE is a dunce. She's too smart for her own good, anyhow.) I think that Dumbledore told us when we would finally meet him--or her, if the case may be--when I was daydreaming. "Harry, Dumbledore told us that we would meet our new teacher tomorrow during class. He said it in the beginning of his welcome back speech." Oh. Looks like I was right, after all.

Oops?

Luckily for me, dinner ended just then and we were able to make our way slowly up the stairs to our common room and our dormitories. I didn't want to leave. One, I wanted to find out who our new teacher was. (After all, the only good teacher we had was Remus Lupin. Fourth year teacher does NOT count!!!) Two, well...I'm still hungry. Hungry enough to try our wizards' jelly beans. (Anyone have a Every Flavor Jelly Bean? I'll even try ear wax, I'm that hungry.)

  
  


Next day started out normal enough--normal for a wizarding and witchcraft school, anyway. Astronomy wasn't until later on that night. Slept through Divination. Learned how to change other people into animals, plants, and other things in Transfiguration. (Ron was my partner in Transfiguration. Let's just say that I had a LOT of fun. Heh heh heh...) Potions... Well, let's just say that Snape was as nasty as ever. Guess that he didn't get that job position that he wanted. (Is it time to shout "Hooray!" or bite our nails worriedly? Seriously, though. I don't know whether to be happy or terrified that Snape didn't get the Defense Against the Dark Arts teaching position. Eh. I'll just make the best of it and be happy.)

Luckily, I didn't have time to wait for our Defense Against the Dark Arts class. It was right after Potions. (Jeez. What is it about scheduling all of the horrible classes together one after another? First Divination, then Potions, and now Defense Against the Dark Arts! I was thankful, however, that I didn't have to have Care of Magical Creatures until Friday. (Once again, do I shout for joy or weep in terror? Hagrid had written to me over the summer, mentioning manticores and harpies. Oi. Me being terrified is an _understatement._)

I walked into our DADA classroom, expecting pixies to jump out at me (as they so often had done during our second year). No pixies came at me. _Nothing_ came at me. Was this a good sign or a bad one? Once again, I didn't know. If it was up to me, I would take it as a good sign. (Please let it be a good sign? Please?) Once in the classroom, I chose a seat and plopped down into it, finally raising my eyes to meet those of my new teachers. And I froze in horror.

"Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts. I am your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher." A smile. "After all, _I_ would be the one person best suited for this job. Our first lesson--how to block death spells. Harry Potter, would you like to be our very first volunteer of the year?"

I gulped and slowly shook my head.

The teacher gestured for me to stand up. Once again, I slowly shook my head. "Oh come, come, Harry Potter! Don't you want to be our volunteer? It is, after all, worth participation points." There would be NO WAY I was going up there. I remembered second year. It all came back to me in one huge flash. Nope. No way I would go up there. Second year was bad enough. This year was going to be hell.

Voldemort smiled at me. "Oh, but Harry Potter...I _insist._"

Damn it.

  
  



End file.
